


Despair

by Okkk



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Bulimia, Eating Disorder, triggering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-09
Updated: 2019-04-09
Packaged: 2020-01-07 10:22:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18408701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Okkk/pseuds/Okkk
Summary: Bruce is lost in the tendrils of an eating disorder.





	Despair

**Author's Note:**

> I don't mean to offend anybody by this nor am I pro any kind of eating disorder.

Bruce blanched at the idea of having to go to another therapy session. He had had enough to know that it wasn’t going to work. It never did. He got it, the team was ‘worried’ about him and so they’d staged a group intervention and he completely understood that they only wanted the best for him but their attempts were futile. So what if he more than occasionally stuck his fingers down his throat? So what if he’d found another way to punish himself and it’d become his favourite because it wasn’t visible? 

He hated everything about it yet his mind was an advocate for the whole throwing up thing. It went against everything he knew, all of his core beliefs up to the point where he didn’t know when he’d switched yoga for binging and purging. He didn’t even care. 

The team thought they were helping by sending him to these sessions twice a week and he’d agreed with them. The thing about good people is that they believe the lies because it means that they won’t have to accept the truth because that would hurt too much. Bruce doesn’t lie to himself though.

The truth was that he was a rotten, selfish, burdensome liar and he used those truths to fuel his self-hatred. Sometimes the hate was the only thing that felt familiar. Sure, he carried on with his life as he did before but only because he was expected to, not because he wanted to. What he wanted to do was continue on this path until it forcibly stopped him. A slow death. The Hulk couldn’t stop him anymore. Even he was too weak. 

Did he truly want to die though? What else was there left for him? Being self-absorbed did not escape his mind. In fact, he was drowning in that thought, very well aware that all he ever did was think about himself. The thoughts were too strong. FUCK.

He remembered when he had loved life, a time where he’d done more than barely tolerate himself. All that tea drinking, self care and lab time with Tony and it’d been beautiful. Did he even deserve any of that anymore? The pressure in his head from holding in the need to openly sob was coming to a front.

He didn’t want this. He wanted to be better than this. He didn’t. He doesn’t know what he wants. 

He wanted to be one of those pro recovery people who learned to be themselves again, to rid themselves of this…this symbiotic thing that’d weaved its way into his mind, his body, his veins. He’d sabotaged himself. How could he possibly go back now? He’d gone too far ahead. The road behind was too long. Unreachable.


End file.
